Special Meeting - March 29, 2009 - Brooklyn, NY

I woke up the morning of March 29th and it felt like 4am even though it was actually 7:30am. It was cloudy and the fog seemed to cover everything from the 10th floor and up all across the city from the looks of it. (I am on the 11th floor, and on a hill to boot so I have a fairly unobstructed view). But I did not feel like rolling over and going back to sleep. I, NEVER a morning person was ready for today...today is special like every day that I am still here and caring for my little one...but even more so because today was Special Meeting. I have been looking forward to it ever since Shannon wrote me that it was going to be on the 29th. More bread for my thirsty soul, more of the Spirit of God, and His Word in such abundance that it would surely fill and overflow. I am so glad for the need I feel now of Him and His cleansing and comfort in a way I never have in my life.

The meeting was so beautiful I want to post as much as I can recall but I will have to do it when I am a little more awake...I started this post the day of the meeting and then got sidetracked with all of the daily work that has to get done. I am going to take my time though and enjoy remembering all I heard and post it shortly.

Just really quickly I will note this, the Spirit of God is truly ONE and truly speaks to each of us...many of the workers(also known as God's messengers; sent ones) had a similar line of thought on some things and I especially enjoyed the fact that a few spoke from the book of Daniel which I had been studying myself on my own.

Final quick thought, it was lovely to see some of the workers that I knew as a little girl, more than a couple of them told my little Fiona..."I knew your mother when she was about your size". Dan Helenek and Shannon and Albert and Rosemary and Fern and Owen to name a few...but enjoyed this thought that again a few of them mentioned...we enjoy socializing with God's people but more importantly we enjoy the fellowship we share in God.

Judge Not - That Ye Be Not Judged

I know I am not the only one that has experienced this, but boy it can really feel like one is singled out to suffer some things. Personally, I hate complaining…when I have a problem, I’d rather spend my energies in seeking out a solution and if one is not to be found at the time then put it somewhere in the back of my mind and go back to it when I have a fresh perspective, and until I DO find a solution.

Problem is…sometimes things in life come at you and you can’t put them behind you because they keep coming up in FRONT of you. It seems like most of my life I have had people tell me that they just KNOW what I am thinking…and that no matter what I say or do…they just KNOW that I WANT to do this or that or that I am secretly doing this or that or THINKING this or that. I sometimes stop and think…do I have a target on my forehead that says…”Misread me and Judge me!”?

I do wonder if it is not just maybe one of the things that God has allowed to happen in order to help me get closer to Him. It is especially in these times that I look up to heaven and with a certain despair in my heart just pray for patience and thank Him for the faith that He has placed in my heart to believe and know that HE at least truly knows me and hears my every thought as well as sees my every action. He, that is the only One that can truly judge me. That said, I am only human, and it does hurt, because it is ALWAYS the ones CLOSEST to me that accuse me of the most preposterous things and it would make me laugh some times, really, if only they were not so convinced that their imaginary version of me is truly the ME that is the reality in front of them. It has been said that when people point the finger at you it is because of one of two reasons:

1. Insecurity in themselves
2. Seeing the faults they themselves posses reflected in you, even if you do not actually have those faults, rather than in themselves.

Number 2 is something that I struggle with, though I have seen it is a truth in some cases, I just can’t believe that some are guilty of the things they’ve accused me of. Either way, not much consolation in either case.

Back in the day, some would put away sane people into mental institutions due to some ulterior motive, like taking their money or whatever reason they had when the person was perfectly sane. Once in there, the perfectly sane victim, after being told over and over and over again, “you’re crazy” well they’d tend to start to lose touch with reality and their mind would indeed start to believe that they must indeed be crazy.

Well, this is something I understand. Whereas I have not been accused of being insane, the idea that another insists that I am wanting and thinking exactly the opposite of what is the actual truth, is certainly driving me a little nuts. It really can be SO disheartening when no matter what I say or how my actions are testament to the contrary, there are people who have such a strong imagination that they cannot see reality in front of their face and hold on tight to their own base ideas instead.

I am not even sure about posting this one, it has such a “whiny” tone, but since I do need to write things out and go back and re-read and update to actually put my thoughts in order I guess I will. I am also very, very aware of how much I DO have going alright in terms of the day to day things in my life, including a wonderful, smart, sweet and healthy little girl, as well as my health thus far, a roof over my head and a nice fat tummy to go with it…but frustration can be a thing that mounts over time and I do have to let it out once in a while…so here you have it!

I do think of Jesus, and how He was certainly without blame, and how He was mocked and many that did not believe Him and how it must have been hard for Him to hold His peace when it would be so satisfying I'm sure to summon all the angels of heaven to show all His mockers and unbelievers how wrong they were...and I know there is a real lesson for me in there...maybe I am too hard headed to learn it just yet?

Parents and Children

Today is a very rainy and gray sort of day. It can lead one to thoughts of bleaker times they may have experienced. For some reason, I woke up this morning and then went back to sleep and had a dream about an experience as a child that was let’s say not a pleasant one. Right after that dream, I dreamt that I was alone now, at this age, in my own home and feeling this overpowering fear that all but robbed me of my voice and made my heart beat so fast it all but came out of my chest…my knees got weak and my body trembled to the core. I felt dark evil spirits present near me…

I was weak, I was afraid and I was near a heart attack to say the least but I looked up to heaven and I prayed for God to deliver me…and next thing I know I am in the elevator and the door is not closing because this dark spiritual figure is trying to open it and at this point I cried out to God and then with barely audible voice I struggled to shout at the dark figure “You are strong Satan but God is stronger…God WILL conquer, you will NOT WIN!” and as I kept praying in that feeble voice over and over again - slowly that scary black moving shadow became like parchment and withered before me and yet I could not stop even as I saw this…my own voice woke me and the words on my lips “God will conquer!” still repeated until I was fully awake.

I don’t know what this dream means…I have had many dreams that are vivid and I know personally I still have a lot of struggles and will always have them…and one of the major tools the devil has delighted in using on me is fear. I was literally afraid of my OWN shadow at 4 years of age…oh yeah, true story…but dream aside…

Today my thoughts are leading me toward the huge responsibility that I have as a parent. There are so many ways I could screw up and I know it. I WILL make mistakes but I was just thinking not only am I responsible for the physical health and well being of my little one but ALSO responsible for her spiritual health to a degree, as she starts to grow and learn more and more that there is a right and wrong. There is a God and that there is a Heaven and Hell. God will do the work in her, but I must lead her to Him by my words and more importantly by my life – my words mean nothing if they are not backed by example. It is when she sees God’s work in me that she will understand that God can do a work in her life too.

I am just so aware of this and want to always keep this in the forefront of my mind- that I not only must be true to God for my own sake but for hers too. If I do my part then she can do hers – each generation providing an example for those coming after. If everyone realized how each of us is truly so responsible for each other wouldn’t we strive ever harder to do what’s right?

In all this I was also thinking about how helpless we can feel as parents and how we can drive ourselves mindless with worry that anything can go wrong at any point in the day that they are out of our sight…glad for the thought there that God is the ONLY One that has the ability to send His angels and protect our little ones as they are living their lives outside our line of vision. I can only do the best I can for my own little one and the rest, leave in His very Capable and Loving Hands!

We know that God loves children and it may seem ironic, but we can learn from them and be the better adults for it. I loved to read these verses...

Matthew 18: 1-5
At the same time came the disciples unto Jesus, saying, Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven? And Jesus called a little child unto him, and set him in the midst of them, and said, "Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me."

Luke 18:16-17
But Jesus called them unto him, and said, "Suffer little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God. Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child shall in no wise enter therein."

1 Peter 2:1-3
Wherefore laying aside all malice, and all guile, and hypocrisies, and envies, and all evil speakings, as newborn babes, desire the sincere milk of the word, that ye may grow thereby; if so be ye have tasted that the Lord is gracious.

The Power of Prayer

Along the same lines as my previous post...one of the greatest things that I cannot emphasize enough...prayer. Many believe in the power of prayer, others say they don't know to pray.

I say this...prayer is simply speaking to God. The beauty of prayer is that sometimes your mind cannot find the words but your heart speaks without utterance directly to the heart of God and He hears so plainly what we cannot formulate in words. Those are the deepest prayers I find...

The wonder of prayer is something that I feel is overlooked. It used to be when I was a young girl that prayer was something I HAD to do...now I am finding myself waking up in the morning, or any at random time throughout the day and of course in the evening, just lifting my eyes to heaven and "talking" to God. Be it thanking Him for life and health or thanking Him for His help or at times sighing with despair when the things of life are just too much for me.

And I feel Him, I feel His presence and I feel I love Him more with each passing day. When you love someone you want to talk to them as much as possible. You want to feel them near, their very presence can calm you and their warmth relax away your anxiety. How much more with God! It is something that cannot be described with mere human prose...it cannot be comprised in words...it IS a feeling that is far beyond that of any I have ever known. I often feel like my heart will overflow and my mind is filled with words of thankfulness and praise!

I have come to realize the power of prayer through experiences like these but I was reading through the Exodus and saw something that I never saw before...yes I had read that story many times but it never spoke to me like this time...I saw how Moses prayed for the people of Israel even as God's wrath waxed strongly against them when they turned to making a golden image and worshiping it as Moses was up on the mountain talking to Him. God was ready to do some serious damage, but Moses prayed and reasoned with Him of sorts...reminding Him that if He should destroy His people then Egypt and all the enemies of the people of Israel would think badly of the God of Israel, saying, "He led them out of Egypt to kill them in the wilderness..." Now, God is all knowing...I don't think that Moses brought anything new to His attention but it appealed to me in this way...God was so wroth He did not care about that for a bit, just wanted to punish them...severly! Yet, those words of Moses brought about a change of mind and God actually hearkened to Moses' words. HOW unbelievable is that!!! I mean that in how AWESOME! THIS to me is the very epitome of the power of prayer! Sometimes we feel you know, I am not worthy of forgiveness, God should punish me, I did too much wrong...I know He wants to address that. But I so enjoyed the thought that God is so much more prone to turning away His wrath if we could only be willing to go to Him and lay it all at His feet and beg for mercy and plead with Him to help us...so that His name be not a mockery to others but rather our changed life can praise His name and be a testament to His power.

It seems like many years ago when I stood up in convention and gave my testimony...from the book of Psalms..."What is man that Thou are mindful of him or the son of man that Thou visitest him?" I don't know still but I do know this...for some reason God IS interested in every little one of us and my heart is glad for that. Even more so for the fact that He wants to communicate with us and we can be assured that there is no better ear to have than that of the Almighty and Living God! The power of prayer is an awesome thing...and I know I want to be in touch with Him as often as I possibly can each and every day..."For if God be for us, WHO can be against us?!"

AMEN

In God's Image

I love to think about how God created us in His image. When we think of image we think outward appearance. There is that...but I was thinking along the lines of a more "complete" kind of thing...the inner and the outer. Yes, God is perfect. Yes, we will NEVER be perfect. But as I am getting closer to God I am looking at Him in a different way. Not the way I used to as a Supreme Being that exists but in some surreal way in relation to this "real" existence that we know on Earth. But The Creator, Father and Friend that we can find in Him when we start to view Him as the REAL thing, in other words, as a reality that is as real as and of course MORE REAL than what we know of as reality. To God, a thousand years is like a day...and to us eternity is so overwhelming a concept that our natural minds cannot conceive of it in real terms.

But it has warmed my heart and helped me to feel like God is real to me, as I search for Him in a whole new way. The way you slowly build a relationship on Earth...where you meet someone and speak to them and get to know them, their likes and dislikes, their history, etc - we form a bond and as we find we have more and more things in common that bond forms ever stronger.

So it is with God, I have found. Thankfully, He has given me the faith to believe. I know I could not be even where I am today if it were not for that. But faith alone was not enough, for years I believed and was sorely afraid, but still kept Him at bay...it was His love that drew me in...and His love that I feel will get me closer and closer to Him.

I have never taken life for granted. For me, every new day is a gift...even if there are heartaches or backaches or financial hardships...while there is life there is hope...this has been a motto that has been embedded in the core of my being. But as I grow a little older I find myself thinking more and more about the life after this one. There are many things I know I will never understand but I am grateful for the fact that The Father has seen it fit to show me things now that I have never seen before. SO many things I could probably write without ceasing for days on end and still I would not be able to put into words ALL that I have been gleaning from the Bible and times of prayer and fellowship with Him.

I want to encourage ANYONE that doubts...don't listen to people...don't believe me or anyone else...just ask God...HE will reveal Himself...in His own good time.

What I have truly enjoyed as of late is this sort of parrallel I have noticed throughout the Old Testament...and even the New. And how they both complement each other in a way I never noticed before. But most notably how God is still same and ever will remain throughout the history of the World.

I realized I needed to get close to Him and that the only way to build a relationship with Him is to see Him better and to learn of Him even from the experience of others. The bible is chock full of those.

I was so amazed to see the examples throughout the bible that I could relate to...He gets mad, He gets sad, He gets jealous, He loves certain things and He hates other things - He has patience and then His patience runs out - but then He feels bad and is once again dealing with mankind and forgiving them when they turn back to Him. How many of those things are not like us? I am not making God human by any means here...no, but I AM realizing...wow...He DID create us in His image!

I was just SO amazed how His own beloved people of Israel turned away from Him SO many times and even as His heart was grieved and His wrath was kindled, in the same breath He offered them a way of escape...a way back into His good graces..."But if you repent..." and then would follow the blessed assurance that He would forgive and bless them again.

When people say that God is Love and think they can get away with murder because "He will forgive" they are not understanding the real dangerous idea that they do not know who God is. Yes, God is love and Yes, God forgives. It is His mercy which I know has kept ME though unworthy to this day...BUT one never knows when that window of opportunity is past. Then there are those that claim, if He is so kind then how can He be so veangeful to those that are disobedient, as to send them to hell? I cannot say I know...but I DO know this...He has shown OVER and OVER again in the history of the world AND even in my own life, that His patience truly is marvelous and His love greater than that of any man on earth!