Thursday, January 29, 2009

Soul's Death and Re-Awakening...

A few years back (perhaps 4 or so) I really truly felt like I had lost my window of opportunity. I had waited too long...God was not going to let me come back now...I went too deep...too far into the darkness...there was no hope for me anymore...and I wrote the first poem below..."Soul's Death".

Soul’s Death

My soul is nigh, vexed unto death!
'Tis grevious pain, to take a breath!
My deep desire, to sleep so long...
where waking up, is like a song...
unsung...unfinished...left alone...
discarded, like forgotten prose...
My body, is the living temple...
chapel of flesh, for my immortal...
that weary grows, from living life,
fighting the secret war ; at strife.
Two sides, warring to gain control,
my soul at stake ; the victors spoil...
Almighty God...fighting the Devil,
who used to be...His loyal angel!
I've given up the fight...It's done!
God was my King, and now He's gone!
The devil reigns on my hearts throne,
My lifeless carcass...lying prone...
Is that God's still, insistent voice?
I hear so distant..."Make a choice!"
"Let not that demon be the conquerer!"
"Repent my child.....'ere life be over!"
"There is still hope...put up a fight!"
My heart replies...on mournful sigh...
"I've gone too far, grieve not dear Father...
the death of one, that was your daughter"

Now, more than 4 years later I have been able to write the first draft to the "response" or Part 2 if you will, which is titled "Soul's Awakening"...

Soul’s Awakening

I heard that voice again but stronger,
It seemed to come closer and closer…
“My child, you must needs understand
A Father’s Love – it never ends…
Did you think I’d let you go?
And let the devil claim you so?
I am the One that chose your soul
I willed it would not die alone.
Your soul is precious and it’s Mine
To give; To take; To bring to life”
“But Father I have let you down
I am not worthy of the crown!”
“No one is my little one,
That is why I sent my Son”
“I have sinned so much my Father”
“And do you repent my daughter?”
“Yes, with all my heart and soul!”
“Then I shall make your spirit whole
I will cleanse you of your sin
And welcome you to enter in…”
“Oh Father I’m still so confused
Fears and doubts of which I’m full!
I don’t know how to let go
And let Your Spirit take control…”
And then I felt my Father's Hand
And it filled me with warm command.
So sweet the feeling of surrender!
So sweet His voice, His touch so tender!
My Father never did forsake me,
But wrapped me in His Love and Mercy.
He found me in the midst of evil
And gave me back a hope of Heaven

I am immeasurably happy that there is a Part 2 of my life as it were...I know the fight is just begun again, but with God on my side, who can be against me? As long as I remember to keep close to Him each and every single day, knowing the evil in this world is quick to swallow the careless whole!

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Precious Youth

Back in the day when I was 12 or so I was able to go to preps. I remember it was such a privilege to be able to serve in that way, and spend time with the workers.

It was there that I practiced playing hymns on the keyboard and slowly and painstakingly learned how to play by notes (I had played only by ear till then) seeing as I practiced for hours on end once the chores were done. It was there that I had many nice chats with the sister workers both spiritual and just normal day to day stuff.

Some days on duty with Sandra Shaw other days with Audrey Brown and so on. Those days our dear Lola Brown was alive as well. Lola Brown and Charles Stefen were some of the elder workers that I admired the most and was sorry to hear they are now no longer with us.

But I digress a bit, the point is, to many others it would seem like the most boring thing in the world, close to a punishment even...sent away for 2 weeks to "slave away" (since it was not paid work) and make convention grounds ready and spend time with only adults (unbeknownst to others I was always MUCH more comfortable with adults anyway rather than kids my own age and LOVED to chat with the older folk) and another kid or two at most for the most part, and even read the bible and pray every morning with them. To those that do not understand would be a drag indeed. To us young ones raised in professing homes, it was a sweet thing and will always be in my memory a fond time in my life. It was here too that in one of my talks with Audrey Brown she mentioned she wrote a poem for the youth of today and then gave me a copy of it. I read and re-read that poem and I memorized it so well that now, 18 years later I simply had to let my fingers fly over the keyboard as the poem materialized from my memory straight into the print of the Blog.

You know, over the years I have spoken to many people who seem to think "all that prayer and bible stuff is for old people"...that is one actual quote I got and many along those lines...which has always brought me back to that verse...

Ecclesiastes 12:1
" Remember now thy Creator in the days of thy youth, while the evil days come not, nor the years draw nigh, when thou shalt say, I have no pleasure in them..."

Precious Youth
by Audrey Brown

Oh precious youth so tender
Your life before you spread
With your highest aspirations
Down the road you've yet to tread

The joys that await you
Mingled with the tears
How will they shape you
as you travel through the years?

Great temptations will confront you
But Jesus faced them too
In the wilderness and on a mountain
All earth's kingdom's he reviewed

Will you choose as He chose?
To worship God alone
Or will you bend to temptation
To walk a path of your own?

The path you choose each morning
is one you'll walk all day
And if you choose the Lord's path
His light will guide your way

But if you choose your own path
A path without a guide
A path that lies in darkless
With no Savior by your side...

How will you see the pitfalls?
How will you see the snares?
How can you safely journey
with no one there who cares?

Oh the voice of sin is subtle
and the voice of sin is loud
but always it will lead you
to where men are vain and proud.

The voice of God is quiet
and quiet you must be
If you would hear Him speaking
His message unto Thee

And when He speaks that message
So pure and full of love
His purpose is to guide you
To His home up above!

Oh precious youth I beg you
Heed not the call of sin
But heed the call of Jesus
and ever let Him in!


I have found that putting my thoughts down on paper (back in the good old day, now it's typing them on the computer)...helps me to organize them and even "get out" the feeling or emotion I may be experiencing. Over the years I have written some poems and I figured I'd transfer them on to this blog at some point as well...

I grew up in a family that believed in God. I learned to seek Him out myself as I grew older and even developed a relationship with Him. At 19 I drifted away and very soon after was completely aware of having turned my back on Him. It was not a nice time. Fear and doubts and unrest have plagued me over the years, as well as a nagging feeling that God never let me go and never turned His back on me. For just that alone I am grateful. But that I have been fortunate to turn back to Him again, is just a blessing and joy that I never understood before. I do NOT recommend a faithful young person to never know if you will find your way home again. But for everything there is a reason, and every experience in my life has helped me NOW to truly understand what is the meaning of love and compassion.

I have found among the faithful that do their best to walk according to God's will, it is fairly hard to comprehend the sinner and easy to judge them. In a way, I've always felt I had a fairly sensitive heart but there was a lot of work to be done for me to truly understand what it means to have a soft and contrite heart. You have to take the blows that the world and flesh and devil throw your way and know that there are only 2 options - try and fight them back on your own (a completely useless feat let me assure you) or cry out to God even though you feel He may have closed the door of opportunity for your disobedience. You have to take the correction that God whatever shape or form it comes...and you have to be thankful for it.

It is only when I understood that humbling myself and praying for His mercy is the only way to go that I finally felt I was there, at the place that is a place of true repentance.

God is perfect, I will never be perfect, not even close but whereas before I loved God in a way that was innocent and maybe not too deep as I knew Him in my youth and yet had not really be tossed about in life as of yet, I am so happy to feel a true and genuine love for Him now, as I really get to know Him a little more every day.

I knew God before and yet almost more of in a way of this Almightly Being that we must love to get to heaven but now have proven so many times His love and have started to see Him, just wee little glimpses but it almost overwhelms me with a deep feeling of happiness and warmth to really look up and realize He is Real and wants an honest to goodness relationship with me, much as I have with my little daughter.

In some ways, I understand God more because of my daughter as well, the feelings I have towards her, how I love her so much because she is my flesh and blood and a part of me as I gave birth to her and she was created in my womb and how I want only the best for her. How I feel so wonderful when she is obedient and does what she is supposed to. And then get frustrated with her sometimes and how it hurts me to punish her more than it hurts her. And I realize that we are created in God's image and if we let Him put within us His Spirit then how much tenderness and love He must feel as each child tries to please Him and how He is hurt when we turn our back on Him and what it means when I read in the bible that we surely never get the punishment for our sins that we deserve and that God will never give us more than we can absolutely beautiful is that?!

You know, I was sorely afraid of death and of God when I purposely said these words not only in my heart but even aloud to others "I don't want to think right now, I don't want to know about God right now...maybe later". Even the devil and his angels are afraid and do tremble but that is not enough to make one want to serve God. I was terribly afraid...and yet I could not do it. I was able to block out somewhat and with time it got easier as I stepped further away from the light and into the darkness...I was at a point where I was tormented in spirit as if in my own living hell and yet I STILL could not turn back to God. This is why I thank Him every day...because it was His LOVE that did it. I still fear and tremble before Him but I am feeling this newfound depth of love that I never knew in my life till now. THIS is what has turned me back to Him, realizing even in my darkest moments and in the deepest of despair that I could never shake Him. That He was there and protected me even from myself...there are so many things that could have gone SO wrong all these years had He not been there to catch my fall!

I feel like shouting from the housetops and talking to everyone I meet in the street, and every downcast face that shows a sorrowful expression I want to stop that person and tell them...GOD LOVES YOU don't you see? there is HOPE! Needless to say, I don't want to scare people away and don't want to look like a crazy person running around and attacking people in the name of the Lord or I feel I am grateful for but I cannot push that onto others, I know because when I was unwilling to listen I know that nothing and no one would have been able to convince me to listen.

I am reading things in the bible that I never understood before, it's like a veil is lifted and I GET IT! I read some things and I have a question answered, I read some things and wonder HOW did I NEVER see this before?! I feel like I want to share it with the world! I will post some of my thoughts on different things I read and questions I had in later blogs.

There is SO much to learn and SO much to share and I feel truly blessed just to be here and know this -
That this day is another day that I am here for a reason.
That I am here to get to know my Heavenly Father so that I will know His face when I meet Him on the other side, because I will know His heart and His heart will be in me if I continue to fight the fight, regardless of temptations and my own self will.
That I am here to help my little one understand that God exists and point her to Him so that He can do His work in her whatever that may be and whenever that may be.
That I am here to do what He wills me to do and mayhap I can help one other soul to see and to believe.
That nothing matters in this world and everything is truly vanity and vexation of spirit and this world is not my own.

Throughout the past 12 years, even while I was out drinking and smoking and partying up a storm that minute I was on the train and I had a quiet minute a hymn would pop into my head and then I knew God had not given up on me. I imagined people would shake their heads if they knew that many a time as I puffed on a cigarette I was not thinking how cool I looked but desperately praying that God would rid me of the horrible and deadly habit. Praying and smoking at the same time? Yes. Did God listen? Oh yes!!! But that is another story I will print another time. It was a really pivotal point in my life and it happened this year at Quakertown convention. Nothing that anyone would was strictly between myself and God but I felt Him and His angels so close and so near...

I have collected a few of my favorite hymns on this page here for anyone that happens upon this blog...mayhap it will be of some inspiration to you...

I Know Who Holds Tomorrow

There are many things I do not know about life, God and the Universe in general. But I know enough to know that God is true and He has shown me He is real. I am learning more and more every day and every day I thank God for it. I speak to people every day that feel they have no hope, that do not understand the purpose of life, I cannot say I understand it fully myself, but I know that I don't want to know what comes tomorrow, I just want to leave it in the hands of the One that has created eternity and knows what will be and know that my hand in His is all I need to face it.

I found this poem on a Facebook group and I really liked it so I had to put it here in my new Blog.

When I say I’m a Christian,
I’m not shouting I am saved.
I’m whispering I get lost.
That is why I chose this way.

When I say I’m a Christian,
I don’t speak of this with pride.
I’m confessing that I stumble and
Need someone to be my guide.

When I say I’m a Christian,
I’m not trying to be strong.
I’m professing that I’m weak and
Pray for strength to carry on.

When I say I’m a Christian,
I'm not bragging of success. I’m admitting
I have failed, and cannot ever pay the debt.

When I say I’m a Christian,
I’m not claiming to be perfect.
My flaws are too visible but
God believes I’m worth it.

When I say I’m a Christian,
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches
Which is why I seek HIS name.

When I say I’m a Christian,
I do not judge.
I have not authority.
I only know I’m loved.

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