Wednesday, January 28, 2009


I have found that putting my thoughts down on paper (back in the good old day, now it's typing them on the computer)...helps me to organize them and even "get out" the feeling or emotion I may be experiencing. Over the years I have written some poems and I figured I'd transfer them on to this blog at some point as well...

I grew up in a family that believed in God. I learned to seek Him out myself as I grew older and even developed a relationship with Him. At 19 I drifted away and very soon after was completely aware of having turned my back on Him. It was not a nice time. Fear and doubts and unrest have plagued me over the years, as well as a nagging feeling that God never let me go and never turned His back on me. For just that alone I am grateful. But that I have been fortunate to turn back to Him again, is just a blessing and joy that I never understood before. I do NOT recommend a faithful young person to never know if you will find your way home again. But for everything there is a reason, and every experience in my life has helped me NOW to truly understand what is the meaning of love and compassion.

I have found among the faithful that do their best to walk according to God's will, it is fairly hard to comprehend the sinner and easy to judge them. In a way, I've always felt I had a fairly sensitive heart but there was a lot of work to be done for me to truly understand what it means to have a soft and contrite heart. You have to take the blows that the world and flesh and devil throw your way and know that there are only 2 options - try and fight them back on your own (a completely useless feat let me assure you) or cry out to God even though you feel He may have closed the door of opportunity for your disobedience. You have to take the correction that God whatever shape or form it comes...and you have to be thankful for it.

It is only when I understood that humbling myself and praying for His mercy is the only way to go that I finally felt I was there, at the place that is a place of true repentance.

God is perfect, I will never be perfect, not even close but whereas before I loved God in a way that was innocent and maybe not too deep as I knew Him in my youth and yet had not really be tossed about in life as of yet, I am so happy to feel a true and genuine love for Him now, as I really get to know Him a little more every day.

I knew God before and yet almost more of in a way of this Almightly Being that we must love to get to heaven but now have proven so many times His love and have started to see Him, just wee little glimpses but it almost overwhelms me with a deep feeling of happiness and warmth to really look up and realize He is Real and wants an honest to goodness relationship with me, much as I have with my little daughter.

In some ways, I understand God more because of my daughter as well, the feelings I have towards her, how I love her so much because she is my flesh and blood and a part of me as I gave birth to her and she was created in my womb and how I want only the best for her. How I feel so wonderful when she is obedient and does what she is supposed to. And then get frustrated with her sometimes and how it hurts me to punish her more than it hurts her. And I realize that we are created in God's image and if we let Him put within us His Spirit then how much tenderness and love He must feel as each child tries to please Him and how He is hurt when we turn our back on Him and what it means when I read in the bible that we surely never get the punishment for our sins that we deserve and that God will never give us more than we can absolutely beautiful is that?!

You know, I was sorely afraid of death and of God when I purposely said these words not only in my heart but even aloud to others "I don't want to think right now, I don't want to know about God right now...maybe later". Even the devil and his angels are afraid and do tremble but that is not enough to make one want to serve God. I was terribly afraid...and yet I could not do it. I was able to block out somewhat and with time it got easier as I stepped further away from the light and into the darkness...I was at a point where I was tormented in spirit as if in my own living hell and yet I STILL could not turn back to God. This is why I thank Him every day...because it was His LOVE that did it. I still fear and tremble before Him but I am feeling this newfound depth of love that I never knew in my life till now. THIS is what has turned me back to Him, realizing even in my darkest moments and in the deepest of despair that I could never shake Him. That He was there and protected me even from myself...there are so many things that could have gone SO wrong all these years had He not been there to catch my fall!

I feel like shouting from the housetops and talking to everyone I meet in the street, and every downcast face that shows a sorrowful expression I want to stop that person and tell them...GOD LOVES YOU don't you see? there is HOPE! Needless to say, I don't want to scare people away and don't want to look like a crazy person running around and attacking people in the name of the Lord or I feel I am grateful for but I cannot push that onto others, I know because when I was unwilling to listen I know that nothing and no one would have been able to convince me to listen.

I am reading things in the bible that I never understood before, it's like a veil is lifted and I GET IT! I read some things and I have a question answered, I read some things and wonder HOW did I NEVER see this before?! I feel like I want to share it with the world! I will post some of my thoughts on different things I read and questions I had in later blogs.

There is SO much to learn and SO much to share and I feel truly blessed just to be here and know this -
That this day is another day that I am here for a reason.
That I am here to get to know my Heavenly Father so that I will know His face when I meet Him on the other side, because I will know His heart and His heart will be in me if I continue to fight the fight, regardless of temptations and my own self will.
That I am here to help my little one understand that God exists and point her to Him so that He can do His work in her whatever that may be and whenever that may be.
That I am here to do what He wills me to do and mayhap I can help one other soul to see and to believe.
That nothing matters in this world and everything is truly vanity and vexation of spirit and this world is not my own.

Throughout the past 12 years, even while I was out drinking and smoking and partying up a storm that minute I was on the train and I had a quiet minute a hymn would pop into my head and then I knew God had not given up on me. I imagined people would shake their heads if they knew that many a time as I puffed on a cigarette I was not thinking how cool I looked but desperately praying that God would rid me of the horrible and deadly habit. Praying and smoking at the same time? Yes. Did God listen? Oh yes!!! But that is another story I will print another time. It was a really pivotal point in my life and it happened this year at Quakertown convention. Nothing that anyone would was strictly between myself and God but I felt Him and His angels so close and so near...

I have collected a few of my favorite hymns on this page here for anyone that happens upon this blog...mayhap it will be of some inspiration to you...

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